Nine Ideas about Wifery and Marriage

I am afflicted with what my friends and I call an "expert" personality. If I have researched something more than the average population, I consider myself a sort of an expert. The rational side of my brain knows I'm really not an expert, but that side is not strong enough to fight the other side well enough to win and reduce my mental self-labeling to "novice." Thus, I am an self-proclaimed "expert" on organic gardening, on home-cooking, and on building a good marriage, well, at least building a mostly happy good marriage that lasts for at least nine years (I sure wish I could remove all the qualifiers that come before and after "good marriage"--maybe in 41 years).


Greg and I have just celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary, and, in spite of starting over four different times in four different places, in spite of being on a tight budget for most of those years, in spite of having little kids join us early in our marriage and periods of struggle with each other where we were committed but not particularly happy, we love marriage and would recommend marriage (to a person of character) to people we care about. In those nine years, I have learned not to speak for Greg, but for my part, I think I will make a list of the nine most important practical things I can do as the wife to be improve my own marriage. Then, I can look back and remember if I run into trouble later. Maybe you'll find my list helpful too.


1. Treat my spouse better than anyone else on the planet. It's easy to be really kind to my friends, because they have the option of bailing on me when I'm am not. Sometimes, we tend to show our spouse the worst possible behavior because they promised to stay with us for "better or for worse." Being ugly to your spouse can feel safe because of their commitment to the marriage, but if I want the "better" for my marriage instead of "worse", I really need to concentrate not on what is feels safest for me, but what is kindest to him. That means being kind and considerate on bad days and good, and sharing struggles without taking out frustrations on the person that loves me most in the world.


2. Always assume the best about my spouse. I married a good man, not a perfect man, but a really good man, one who generally does the right thing and has my best interest at heart. When I am disappointed by something, I do well to remember what I know to be true about him. If he is late, it is not likely to be because he likes to stay at work, but because he had to deal with some really unpleasant situation that would be worse by tomorrow. If I can't have the car on Wednesday, it isn't because he doesn't care about me, but because the financial security of our life depends on him doing his job well. Some days, even if it is inconvenient to me, he needs the car to do aspects of his job, so that our family has a secure income. If he wants to go away for the weekend with friends, it isn't because he doesn't like family time, but because he likes to fish and relax (very occasionally) without us. I just keep reminding myself of the character of the man, and referencing truth spite of occasional disappointment or unmet expectation.

3. No longer "I" but "we". Recently, when we were looking at our budget, Greg referred to the money "we" make. That word "we" moved me to tears. I have never contributed in a meaningful financial way to our marriage, and we both know it, but we share a life and so he used "we" instead of "I". Marriage means doing what is best for the marriage and for your spouse, and not doing what is best or most satisfying for yourself. It means sharing the burden and the credit. "We" means refusing to be selfish, refusing to demand your own way, "or else." For me, it means postponing a career in a field that I love so I can love the people in my life up-close; for Greg, it means curbing hobbies and talking a lot more than he would like to (the man has some hermitish and monkish tendencies); but for both, the end result is the same--a nourished marriage with history that can sustain us when times get rough for one or both.

4. Don't dwell on annoying characteristics. We all have annoying characteristics, but if we hold a magnifying glass to the annoying characteristics of others, even others we love, they get bigger. When I am really annoyed, I force myself to think about the best characteristics of my hubby. My mother-in-law does this very effectively in all aspects of her life, and the result of years of practice is a life that is very positive and encouraging to others and to one's self. (This sort of mother-in-law is very easy to get along with, as you can imagine.) I should also mention some good advice a good friend gave me early on--don't tell my friends or my parents negative things about my spouse, because they love me and can't forgive him like I can. If I share my annoyances or grievances about my spouse outside my marriage, I undermine both my spouse and my marriage in the eyes of people that would otherwise support both because they love me.


5. Make my marriage bed important. Sexual Intimacy in marriage is a FREQUENT MUST. That means when I feel like it and when I don't but my husband does, because sex to a husband is like flowers and chocolates and a day at the spa are to a wife. There are seasons when making intimacy a priority is very, very difficult, like when you have morning sickness, little babies, or, obscure medical conditions (we've lived through each); but, in every season, sex is important to a husband, and thus must be important to a wife, since marriage means doing what is best for both. Sex draws a husband and wife together in some magical otherworldly way that I don't understand. Frequent sex with me also helps protect my husband from the various forces of evil homewreckers (hiss, boo, hiss, scowl, *knuckles cracking*, teeth clenched) elsewhere.

6. Ask for what I want, kindly, and say yes as much as humanly possible to my spouse when he asks. I looked for a good man who could read my thoughts, but alas, there are none, so I married the next best thing--a good man who is not a mind reader. Since my husband doesn't have ESP, I cannot reasonably expect him to know what I want. When one side of my mind starts the phrase, "if he loved me he would know. . ." I take that unhealthy, emotionally stunted version of myself and lock her away in away in the dungeon of my mind until she submits to the rational side of my brain which I am trying to strengthen (but not enough to win the "novice/expert" battle). I have to ask for what I want, and I also want him to feel safe enough to ask for what he wants. When we work together to grant the request of one, both win.


7. Stop keeping score. Whoever keeps the best score always loses, period. Marriage is not about getting life divided up equally, but loving someone else sacrificially and having their interest and the interest of the marriage at heart. Instead of keeping score, I think it is much better for me to try to think of ways to make my spouse's life fuller or happier. The response I get from him is always worth the sacrifice. Sometimes sacrificial love also means "going first" and giving more when my husband's tank is empty. That's okay. We are a team, and often the giving will be reversed.


8. Make home a happy fortress. Home should be a refuge, somewhere my spouse feels safe. For me that means greeting him when he comes home without handing him a child or a list of things to do. It means always being on his side and in his corner, especially when he is down or having a hard time in some area. It means never insulting him in public or making him feel like he isn't good enough. It means respecting him at least as much as his secretary and coworkers. It means training the children to be tame so that he doesn't leave the quiet of the car and enter chaos at home after work (still working on this one). It means good, home-cooked meals and offering him a drink when he is relaxing with the news or facebook before or after dinner. It means important issues that must be addressed must be relegated to a non-stressful time, a time when they can be addressed in full--not when we are tired or hungry at five thirty.


9. Make my husband the "project manager" of our life. I think this is a distinctly Christian concept, and although it sounds funny, it works. We lead in our areas of expertise--I am mainly in charge of kids and homework and their instruction and discipline. I am in charge of insurance and cooking and the grocery budget. Greg handles work, retirement and money matters generally, along with the car and camping equipment. We discuss our thoughts on the other's domain, but mostly, we leave it to the spouse in charge of that area and trust that we are both responsible and capable. Over all this underwork, though, Greg stands as a sort of umbrella. He is the project manager of our family, and though he rarely jumps into my arenas, I reserve his right to. It doesn't mean that either he or I think he is more valuable to our marriage or to God, etc., it's just a structure we maintain so as to have one-headed direction (because anything with two heads is a monster, as my mom says). I married a man who loves me and has my best interest at heart, and I trust him to listen to my ideas and make the final calls. He does a great job; he always has.


I wish I did all of these things well all of the time, but I don't. After nine years of marriage, I can safely say that I have come light years from where I started, and that I have light years still to travel before I become what I envision as a really good wife. Many of my readers have been married far longer than I have, so I would love to hear your recommendations on how to strengthen and build a marriage, especially as a wife. I plan to be married to Greg for the rest of my life, and I know he would appreciate any good advice anyone has to give me.

Temptation, the Bird, and Near Social Suicide

The breeze is blowing, the sun is shining, and I am cruising on my bike. I am in a good place mentally while taking the kids to or from school, and then it happens--people begin to HONK at me, knocking me out of my "happy zone" with the force of their car horns. Every day, at least once during the drive to or from school, someone HONKs at me. They HONK when I am waiting to cross the street, they HONK as they pass. Their HONKing reverberates inside my helmetted head while I am industriously minding my own business. At first I looked to see who was HONKing, but very rarely did I recognize anyone. More distressing than even the honking was the fact that the HONKs were increasing in frequency. . .HONKs, and HONKs, More and more and more HONKS! HONKS! HONKS!

In Texas, when I am out and about on foot, and someone honks and yells at me, usually I look away in order to avoid the potential lewdness that may accompany the horn and vocal comotion. If I am feeling particularly feisty, I might yell (in Spanish) "Animal!" like some sort of exotic ice princess. (When I was a very little girl I heard my beautiful mother do this once or twice, and I thought it was a very dignified way to ward off unwanted attention.) I have friends and family members--don't worry, I won't name you-- who do not hesitate to flip the proverbial bird, their longest digit alone extended towards the sky defiantly when strangers offend them in any way. I don't partake of this vulgar hand signage, (well, maybe once or twice as a hormonally challenged teenager) but the everyday honking was pushing me to the brink.

Every time someone else honked at me, I looked down and tried to mind my own business, but with each incident, my Texan sensibilities became more and more ruffled because in Texas it is rude to honk at a lady. (Honking would be more appropriate toward those soliciting illegal business while walking up the street--not a mum with kids on a bike.) I was on the verge of employing the bird when I mentioned all this honking and my annoyance to a friend. She kindly laughed at me and told me that it was a compliment here to honk at "hot mamas." I quickly re-evaluated the situation and took a little satisfaction in being honked at in hindsight. While Rachel explained, our other friends listened into our conversation with interest.


Then, even as my image of myself was being polished in my mind's eye, my other friends joined into the conversation, shattering my magic mental mirror. They had seen me around and now each began to confess that she had been honking in friendly recognition, not just one friend, but several of them; and not all of my friends were there. My friends mostly live and work around the community where I ride, and they have been friendly and kind toward me every time they see me, greeting me when we are face to face. Apparently, they also honk a little hello to me and the kids as they pass us in their cars because that is polite here. Maybe I am occasionaly honked at because of my "hot-mama-hood" (I want so badly to believe this is true), but as I evaluate the escalation of honking, I must admit that it has followed the rate of friend-making in my community.

In evaluating this near-disaster in my social life, I think I may finally have matured in some measurable way. Although I was very close to sporting my middle finger toward what I thought were rude honkers, better sense and self-control prevailed, at least this time. I guess I also need to publicly thank my friend Rachel for decoding (yet again) mysterious Aussie social customs and saving me from totally alienating every last friend that I have made in Brisbane. Maybe next time I am bewildered or annoyed, I will ask a friend for help in interpreting the situation before I near the brink social suicide in the form of public vulgarity.