And, yet there are still a few mothers-in-laws who do not fit the terrible (but generally true) stereotype that mothers-in-law have earned for themselves over millennia, mothers-in-law that defy reasonable expectation. Though it will not gain friends for me to say it, my mother-in-law shines like a diamond among mothers of husbands. So extraordinary is she that, now that I live in Australia, my close friends back in Texas regularly borrow her and then remind me of just how lucky I am.
And yet, it is not luck. She is the admiring mother of three boys, the youngest of which has been surrendered to me. I have a very strong personality (this may be well be understatement); I have strong opinions; and I am not afraid of conflict. If ever someone was prone to a tempestuous relationship with a MIL, it is I. And yet, our relationship, though imperfect, is one characterized by the tone she set early on--one of mutual respect and affection. Much of the warmth and openness of our relationship is the fruit of the seeds she has industriously and intentionally sown into our twelve-year relationship as the wiser and more mature woman. (She would never say that, because she is very humble, but it is true. She would also never dare to give direct and unsolicited advice written from her own life and experience to her poorly-behaved peers or anyone else who will read it, but, luckily enough for you, I do not share her reserve). I am the unashamed beneficiary of a wise and kind mother in law. These are the things she does that make loving her so easy.
1. She looks for the good, and encourages me in it. My MIL thinks I am a good cook, a loving wife, thoughtful parent, and a dedicated bargain shopper, and she makes a point of complimenting at least these four aspects of my life when she talks to me or visits. I am quite sure I do things she doesn't particularly like as well, but when I think of her opinion of me, I hear, in my mind, her approval in specific and consistent areas. Although I don't require her approval, it is a nice gift from the mother of my husband, and my perception of her approval makes it easy for me to enjoy being around her.
2. She respects my opinions, and yes, quirks. I am nothing if not opinionated and quirky. I have specific reasons for nearly all of the things I do, and although my MIL may not always agree with my reasons, she does her best to respect my preferences. I remember her discipline in this aspect of our relationship most clearly when the world's most important baby was born--that would be Jordan, my oldest. Jordan was never allowed to cry at all--not for the first nine months, and although my MIL watched in wonder as I wore my self out, my MIL kept her immense store of wisdom from three such experiences from utterance and ensured that my unreasonable rules for my colicky infant were followed to the letter in my house and in hers. Now that my children are older, though she has her own style of managing them, she makes a point of respecting my thoughts and ground-rules and of enforcing them to the best of her understanding and ability.
3. She takes an interest in my interests. Some interests, like cooking and gardening are shared interests, but some of my life is interesting to my MIL only because she is purposeful. Since I have only one crazy little brother, and no sisters, my friends have always been a huge part of my life. My MIL has kept track not only of my brother, but of about fifteen different close friends of mine for the past twelve years. I thought it was nice of her, but I really noticed her care when I heard her talking with my sisters-in-law. They also have similar sets of friends, and she knows all of their friends too. That means that my mother-in-law is mentally keeping track of not only my crazy brother and the sisters of my two sisters-in-law, but at least forty vicarious girlfriends in their thirties that are special to her only because they are special to the wives of her sons. Astounding!
4. When she visits my home, or when I visit hers, she asks how she can help, and then she does ONLY that. Sometimes, with MIL's, help is not always help; it can be passive criticism. I think my MIL understands this very well, and so she has articulated time and time again, "Well, Elissa, I would love to help you. You just think about what I can do to help, and let me know (this is said with a warm smile)." She does not start in on my messy house if she has come to play with the girls outside. She does not sweep my dirty floor if I have asked for help with cooking dinner. If she thinks of something else she might do to help, she asks first, and then respects my answer, especially if it is a "no," because she is truly interested in doing whatever would be helpful to me.
5. Most importantly, when my husband began to make me family, his mother followed suit, and she determined to love me like she loves her own son. It must be very difficult indeed to add someone to your family when her selection has been out of your control, but the value of loving such a one cannot be overstated. My mother in law loves me like I am her own daughter. I know because she has told me time and again in cards and in words and, most importantly, in actions like the ones described above. Because she loves me, she has become my very close friend and confidant, my ally in the occasional marital conflict with her son, and my sounding board for every endeavor I attempt, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. Because she loves me, I take her opinions to heart. Because she loves me, I listen to her advice on parenting or her gentle criticism, or her counterpoint to whatever my flavor-of-the-month-opinion happens to be.
When someone loves you, when all the things they do are a result of that love and when the things they don't do are restrained by love, it is easy to respond in kind, even if that person is your mother-in-law. Power to change a relationship (or to start a relationship, or start a relationship anew) is not found in demanding one's own way, but in surrendering to serve the other person in love. So, mothers-in-law out there, and mothers-in-law-to-be (like me) take seriously the lessons my mother-in-law teaches with her life, and dare to love first. Real, sincere, honest-to-goodness, true love is almost irresistible, even in the hands of the mother of one's husband. Love is the key that unlocks potentially difficult relationships because love alone covers over the multitude of sins that are part of being human. Though healthy boundaries and pop psychology will fail you, love never will; and, if the life of my mother-in-law is any proof, real love really can conquer all--even a the heart of a quirky, overly-opinionated wife of a beloved youngest son. Thanks for loving me first, Ferne.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
