Replacing Counterfit Romance

I watch rubbish. I'll admit it. In spite of my husband's gentle protestations and overt head-shakings, I have been watching reality t.v. at it's craziest. I hate the reality t.v. show "the Bachelor" because it takes women back at least a thousand years to the idea of a harem, but, to my surprise, I love "the Bachelorette"--the same concept reversed. The bachelorette, Alli, is direct and sweet and cute--very likable. She travels the world looking for love with any one of a bunch of guys that have to beat each other out to win her affections. "The Bachelorette" centers around a woman's idea of romance--travel, fantastic once-in-a-lifetime experiences, great food, and all the emotions (from the guys) out on display for her enjoyment and evaluation. But, in watching all of the wonderful places Alli travels with her slick and polished suitors, I have found myself thinking a lot about romance--about what it is, and what it is not.

Alli's t.v. romance involves a bunch of elite experiences and beautiful backgrounds. If you took away Alli and her male harem, though, I would still enjoy seeing New York, Iceland, Las Vegas, and Turkey, and exotic islands of various types as interesting international destinations. I would still enjoy a tour of a luxurious penthouse suite, the taste of a Maine lobster dinner, the feel of a natural volcanic hot baths, a behind-the-scenes look at a Broadway musical. Those places and experiences are beautiful and interesting, but they are simply experiences that money can buy. They cannot be a component of real romance because if romance can be bought, then it can end when money runs out.

Although Greg is slowly draining the extraneous drama out of me, day by day and month by month, and year by year (by the way, thank you, honey!), I guess I do still enjoy a little vicarious interpersonal drama--another important component of t.v. romance. It is interesting to see what cute Alli thinks and why, and what the guys on the show are thinking and doing and saying to her and to each other; but beating out a romantic competitor and bearing your heart when you are first getting to know someone is not true love or real romance, any more than a great place or "one of" experience is.

No, ladies, real romance is far larger and far better than lines of slick suitors, ritzy restaurants, and dazzling destinations, (and I ought to know. . .um, at least about the destinations.) Real romance something entirely different and more important than heart-warming drama. It is what we as wives often miss in the midst of pining for expensive gifts and experiences, evaluating of our own needs and love languages, or "communicating " our feelings ( AKA complaining). It is what we overlook while we are working, or chasing naughty toddlers covered in sticky substances or dealing with all the little everyday crises that make up the kind of real life that television producers aren't interested in. It is what we wives take for granted and can't live without.

Real romance happens, not on t.v. or on rare, exotic holidays, but in the familiar, mundane parts of everyday life. You can see it in the faithfulness of a man working day after day, year after year, some years at a job he doesn't like, to pay the bills and buy the groceries. It is the in diligence of working toward diplomas and degrees and certifications now instead of later so that he won't miss time with you and the kids when they are older--when the kids will remember his absence more distinctly. It's found in the perseverence of working long hours in an unstable economy to make sure that he has value when the company decides to restructure. It's in playing sports more infrequently than he would like to and using family money for family things instead of the latest and greatest new golf club or technological gadget. It's in forcing himself to talk and let you into his world when his word quota had been used up at work six hours ago. It's in living out kindness and gentleness toward you and the kids when he has had to aggressively direct difficult and disagreeable people all day. It's in doing dishes and putting kids to bed when all he wants to do is sit and relax in front of a sports show with a cold drink. It's in still being attracted to his own wife after mulitple kids have made their marks on her body and baby weight has overstayed its welcome.

I have never been on a reality t.v. show, and, truth be told, my life might not be that interesting to watch, but I know what romance is. My mother and mother-in-law have lived it for more than seventy-five years combined. I have watched my friends and mentors partake of its grace. I live in the light of its beauty every single day. Real romance is the thousand little sacrificial gifts that a man who loves you gives you every day without even thinking about it. So, wives of good men, in the midst of the mundane, refuse to buy what they sell on t.v., and instead make the time to see what is likely before you. Maybe you'll find, like I did, that real romance is closer than you think.